Friday, April 17, 2009

Day by day

It's gotten hard for me to post anything here. I don't feel like I have anything constructive to say or share. I haven't had my camera to take new pictures of the girls. Every day it's been a struggle for me to function in a somewhat normal way, so trying to come up with things to talk about is too much for me sometimes. It's embarrassing for me to feel like a crazy person, I hate it. I'm not in control of my own mind and have never felt quite this intense before. I have been thinking back over my life and can remember having a few episodes of mania and depression, but nothing drastic or dramatic. It just doesn't make sense to me, even thinking back to 2 weeks ago, some of the things I thought and said during that time are not at all me. I can't even imagine actually thinking and believing some of the things I did, but it was me and I was feeling that way. So many thoughts and beliefs running through my mind like a tornado or something. Now this week, it's more like there is a viscous, thick fog covering me and I can't move well or think straight.

I hope the doctor Monday will help. I don't know exactly what's wrong, but I know I need some kind of medicine or help that I'm not getting right now. I just keep reminding myself that it's just a few more days and to keep going. I think the hardest part for me is having to be happy and good for the girls. They help me to keep going each day, but inside I am wanting to scream at them and run away. Thank G0d I haven't gotten to the point of not being able to control that part of me. I know they need me and don't need to know anything is wrong. They days that it's too much, I am thankful to have a supportive and loving family around me to take care of them for me.

I suppose I feel a little better after getting some of these thoughts out. It's very difficult for me to share any of this with anyone, but I think it will be good for me.


  1. Know that we all love and care for you and only want the best for you and your family. I will keep praying for you. I love you.

  2. Share...Share...Share! I want you to know that #1. I love you, #2. I am here for you - whatever you need, #3. Your human - not perfect! I know that when I put my feeling & emotions out there...on my blog...that I feel better! If you need anything I am here for you! I love you!

  3. I wish that I could help you. I don't like to see you suffer this way. I know you were only a baby like Sara is now when I got so ill that I could not function at all. You may not even remember it, and if you do, it is vague. For your girls it will be too someday if they are ever even aware of your situation. I hope the doctor can help you to get better soon. I love you!