I went to my psychiatrist this morning and he gave the official diagnosis of Bipolar I. I'm not entirely sure what the differences are between type I and type II, but I plan to read about it when I have the time. He put me on Lamictal and Abilify. It was $50 for a one month supply of both, it could have been a lot worse, but I'd rather them only be $10 each. He said it would take about 3 weeks to tell for sure if these meds will work or if we need to change it up a little. Pete and I have our first counseling appointment on Wed. evening too, so hopefully a combination of therapy and drugs will help me feel better.
It's gotten hard for me to post anything here. I don't feel like I have anything constructive to say or share. I haven't had my camera to take new pictures of the girls. Every day it's been a struggle for me to function in a somewhat normal way, so trying to come up with things to talk about is too much for me sometimes. It's embarrassing for me to feel like a crazy person, I hate it. I'm not in control of my own mind and have never felt quite this intense before. I have been thinking back over my life and can remember having a few episodes of mania and depression, but nothing drastic or dramatic. It just doesn't make sense to me, even thinking back to 2 weeks ago, some of the things I thought and said during that time are not at all me. I can't even imagine actually thinking and believing some of the things I did, but it was me and I was feeling that way. So many thoughts and beliefs running through my mind like a tornado or something. Now this week, it's more like there is a viscous, thick fog covering me and I can't move well or think straight.
I hope the doctor Monday will help. I don't know exactly what's wrong, but I know I need some kind of medicine or help that I'm not getting right now. I just keep reminding myself that it's just a few more days and to keep going. I think the hardest part for me is having to be happy and good for the girls. They help me to keep going each day, but inside I am wanting to scream at them and run away. Thank G0d I haven't gotten to the point of not being able to control that part of me. I know they need me and don't need to know anything is wrong. They days that it's too much, I am thankful to have a supportive and loving family around me to take care of them for me.
I suppose I feel a little better after getting some of these thoughts out. It's very difficult for me to share any of this with anyone, but I think it will be good for me.
After being mostly kid free for the last two days (thanks mom!) I think I'm ready to make a decision about the whole getting a job thing. I am ready to get back to work. I don't know if it's my personality, the girls ages, my mental disorder(s) or some combination of all of them, but I don't like being a stay at home mom. I wanted to like it and tried for nearly 3 years now, but I just don't. I think I'm ready to start looking for a job and a daycare. Any suggestions for good daycares here? Or a good place to work that is hiring right now?