Another Day

I don't have much to say today, but thank you all for your kind words and support these past few weeks, they have truly helped. I've been on my new medicine for a week and think it's helped some.

I added a bunch more blogs to my list of blogs I read, I still forgot to add mom's, I need to do that now.

Official

I went to my psychiatrist this morning and he gave the official diagnosis of Bipolar I. I'm not entirely sure what the differences are between type I and type II, but I plan to read about it when I have the time. He put me on Lamictal and Abilify. It was $50 for a one month supply of both, it could have been a lot worse, but I'd rather them only be $10 each. He said it would take about 3 weeks to tell for sure if these meds will work or if we need to change it up a little. Pete and I have our first counseling appointment on Wed. evening too, so hopefully a combination of therapy and drugs will help me feel better.

Day by day

It's gotten hard for me to post anything here. I don't feel like I have anything constructive to say or share. I haven't had my camera to take new pictures of the girls. Every day it's been a struggle for me to function in a somewhat normal way, so trying to come up with things to talk about is too much for me sometimes. It's embarrassing for me to feel like a crazy person, I hate it. I'm not in control of my own mind and have never felt quite this intense before. I have been thinking back over my life and can remember having a few episodes of mania and depression, but nothing drastic or dramatic. It just doesn't make sense to me, even thinking back to 2 weeks ago, some of the things I thought and said during that time are not at all me. I can't even imagine actually thinking and believing some of the things I did, but it was me and I was feeling that way. So many thoughts and beliefs running through my mind like a tornado or something. Now this week, it's more like there is a viscous, thick fog covering me and I can't move well or think straight.

I hope the doctor Monday will help. I don't know exactly what's wrong, but I know I need some kind of medicine or help that I'm not getting right now. I just keep reminding myself that it's just a few more days and to keep going. I think the hardest part for me is having to be happy and good for the girls. They help me to keep going each day, but inside I am wanting to scream at them and run away. Thank G0d I haven't gotten to the point of not being able to control that part of me. I know they need me and don't need to know anything is wrong. They days that it's too much, I am thankful to have a supportive and loving family around me to take care of them for me.

I suppose I feel a little better after getting some of these thoughts out. It's very difficult for me to share any of this with anyone, but I think it will be good for me.

Decisions

After being mostly kid free for the last two days (thanks mom!) I think I'm ready to make a decision about the whole getting a job thing. I am ready to get back to work. I don't know if it's my personality, the girls ages, my mental disorder(s) or some combination of all of them, but I don't like being a stay at home mom. I wanted to like it and tried for nearly 3 years now, but I just don't. I think I'm ready to start looking for a job and a daycare. Any suggestions for good daycares here? Or a good place to work that is hiring right now?

Energy

I still have a lot of nervous energy and feel like I need to do something constructive with it. So far this week, all I've managed to do is finish cleaning out the closets and cabinets. I still have a few boxes from the attic to sort and freecycle, but I've gotten rid of tons of the junk that has been sitting around the house. I did also finish some of the cleaning I've been avoiding for the last few months. I don't know how much longer this feeling will last, but I know I need to use it for good things.

Sleep

It's amazing what a little sleep can do for your body. I've been unable to sleep for more than about 2 hours at a time for a week now. Well, last night I put in earplugs and covered my eyes and made sure Pete was going to take care of the girls if they needed anything. I was able to sleep for about 10 hours last night! Yay!

Doctors, Blah

For those of you who don't know, I've been going to various doctors for about a year now for several health issues. We've gotten most stuff under control, but I still have some digestive issues and am waiting for a referral to a G.I. doc for a scope and some other tests. I also went to a therapist on Monday and he said he thinks I'm bipolar. He referred me to a different psychiatrist for a diagnosis and long term treatment. Nothing is official yet and he hasn't changed me from depression medication to bipolar medication, but he probably will. I go back on Monday to see the first psychiatrist and will keep seeing him weekly until I can get in with the new guy on April 20. I'm not entirely surprised by this, but it is a little shocking. I am glad that my primary doctor was able to recognize that I needed some help and sent me to see the other doctor. If it is bipolar, it's still fairly mild which is good. It's apparently easier to keep under control if you catch it early.